Steel Balls

Twas the day before Christmas, already left had my spouse
Slowly I was stirring, last night I was soused.
My clothes were all strewn on the floor with no care,
In hopes that I might have got some on the chair.

I turned over nestled all snug in my bed,
With visions of sake-bombs still pounding my head.
And Max in his collar, his paw gave me a wrap,
He was begging to go out, he had to go… to the bathroom.

Max out on the lawn his paws pitter patter,
I went for some aspirin to fix what was the matter.
Away to the bathroom I flew like a flash,
Tore open the cabinet and searched for the stash.

The sun beat down and would soon let me know.
I had slept to mid-day, wife’s already on the go.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
Milk and cookies for Santa, that were left by my dear.

With a hangover hunger, feeling a bit sick,
I knew these were mine, instead of St Nick.
I would rapidly eat them and now a thought came,
The idea that I had, was to give Max all the blame!

One cookie! now, two! now, maybe a dozen!
On, further! The ice! In the milk was still frozen!
To the top of the cookies! The stack they did fall!
Not a crumb! single crumb! I had eaten them all!”

As my dry mouth was filled from the cookies nearby,
They met the refreshing milk, all for this guy.
So downed was the milk-topped glass and I knew,
Could I pull off my plan, before I was through.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard at the door
The prancing and clawing of each of his paws.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
I knew to put all the blame on this hound.

He rustled all his fur, from his head to his foot,
He had no idea he’d be tarnished, my plan was afoot.
A bundle of chew toys I had flung near the plate,
And he looked already guilty, not knowing his fate.

My wife’s arrival was here! The plan was in play!
Her gullibility would be tested if I were to survive on this day
Then the front door was drawn open to show,
That the tree was now missing something below.

The stern look on her face and grinding her teeth,
And the smoke it encircled, a fire rose from beneath.
She had an angry face and a very pissed look,
That peered at a plate empty, from the cookies I took!

There I was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed not aloud, so proud of myself!
An evil of her eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I soon might be dead.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And chose her words wisely, then turned “you’re a jerk.”
I pointed a finger to Max, and tapped on his nose,
And giving Christina a nod, and Max he just froze…

She sprang to his defense, said I was a disgrace,
And away she did wipe, crumbs I had left on my face.
But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she did not care fight,
“Even Christmas and all, sleep on the couch tonight!”

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