Steel Balls

This is the story of scientific inquiry into the nature of Sir Jarvis of Jones.

FANS:  A BUST!  A BUST!  A BUST!  We’ve got a BUST!  A BUST!
YINZER #1:  We have found a bust, might we burn him?
FANS:  Burn him!  Burn!
BLOGGER:  How do you know he is a bust?

YINZER #2:  He looks smaller than Deebo.
BLOGGER:  Bring him forward.
JARVIS:  I’m not a bust.  I’m not a bust.
BLOGGER:  But you are built as one.
JARVIS:  They dressed me up like this.
FANS:  No, we didn’t… no.
JARVIS:  And this isn’t my biceps, it’s a false one.
BLOGGER:  Well?
YINZER #1:  Well, we did do the biceps.
BLOGGER:  The biceps?
YINZER #1:  And the pecs — but he is a BUST!
FANS:  Burn him!  BUST!  BUST!  Burn him!
BLOGGER:  Did you dress him up like this?
FANS:  No, no… no … yes.  Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
YINZER #1:  He has got a stenosis.
BLOGGER:  What makes you think he is a bust?
YINZER #3:  Well, he turned me into a Raven.
BLOGGER:  A Raven?
[clearly he is not one]
YINZER #3:  I got better.
YINZER #2:  Burn him anyway!
FANS:  Burn!  Burn him!
BLOGGER:  Quiet, quiet.  Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether he is a bust.
FANS:  Are There?  What are they?
BLOGGER:  Tell me, What do you do with busts?
YINZER #2:  Burn!
FANS:  Burn, burn them up!
BLOGGER:  And What do you burn apart from busts?
YINZER #1:  More busts!
YINZER #2:  Wood!
BLOGGER:  So, why do busts burn?
[pause]
YINZER #3:  B–… ’cause they’re made of wood…?
BLOGGER:  Good!
FANS:  Oh yeah, yeah…
BLOGGER:  So, how do we tell whether he is made of wood?
YINZER #1:  Build a bridge out of him.
BLOGGER:  Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of steel?
YINZER #2:  Oh, yeah.
BLOGGER:  Does wood sink in water?
YINZER #1:  No, no.
YINZER #2:  It floats!  It floats!
YINZER #1:  Throw him into the Mon!
FANS:  The Mon!
BLOGGER:  What also floats in water?
YINZER #1:  Bread!
YINZER #2:  Apples!
YINZER #3:  Very small rocks!
YINZER #1:  Cider!
YINZER #2:  Great gravy!
YINZER #1:  Chimries!
YINZER #2:  Mud!
YINZER #3:  Churches — churches!
YINZER #2:  Lead — lead!
EARL: A football.
FANS:  Oooh.
BLOGGER:  Exactly!  So, logically…,
YINZER #1:  If… he.. weighs the same as a football, he’s made of wood.
BLOGGER:  And Therefore–?
YINZER #1:  A BUST!
FANS:  A BUST!
BLOGGER:  We shall use my larger scales!
[yelling]
BLOGGER:  Right, remove the supports!
[whop]
[unbalanced scales “prove” the weight is the same]
FANS:  A BUST!  A BUST!
JARVIS:  It’s a fair cop.
FANS:  Burn him!  Burn!  [yelling]
BLOGGER:  Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
EARL: I am Earl, King of the Ballers.
BLOGGER:  My liege!

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