NFL All-Incarceration Team
Ryan Leaf, First Round Prison Pick
If there’s a rock and roll heaven, well you know they’ve got a hell of a band. And if there is an NFL prison, you know they’ve got one hell of a team.
Here is one attempt at compiling an all-time criminal NFL team. Note that this is not an “all-thug” team, because what constitutes thuggery is strictly a matter of opinion. By some definitions, one can be a successful thug while staying within the confines of the law. In order for a player to qualify for this list, he must have been arrested at least once. Conviction is helpful, but not strictly required. Of course it’s possible for a player to be wrongfully arrested, or for the arrest to be clearly out of character. If so, the player likely won’t make our list.
All players who have been arrested are considered for selection on our All-Incarceration team, and where there are multiple candidates we give weight to players of higher quality rather than higher criminality. All other things being equal we will choose a murderer over a junkie. But if the junkie is a Hall of Fame caliber player while the murderer was an undrafted rookie who lacked the talent to ever start a game, the nod would go to the junkie.
The real measurement we’re after here is the magnitude of wasted opportunity, and loss of career or reputation. Where there is not a clear winner by this measurement, we’ll give bonus points to repeat offenders, and for cases of special notoriety or comedic attributes.
First we’ll look at candidates for each position, evaluate the merits of their cases, and then make selections. Number of arrests, and major infractions, are shown in parentheses.
Offense
Quarterback.
Candidates: Michael Vick (2 – dogfighting, trespassing), Vince Young (assault), Steve McNair (2 – DUI, weapons), Matt Schaub (assault and battery), Ryan Leaf (4, felony burglary, theft, drugs, making threats of violence).
This is a tougher choice than it may seem at first. Most people would agree that the torture and murder of dogs is about the lowest form of scummery, and far more serious than McNair’s offenses. On the other hand, McNair had arguably a better career, and he gets bonus points for his dramatic demise at the hands of his 20 year old mistress. Vick’s transgression came mid-career and cost him two full years in prison and a peak loss of earnings. Yet, Leaf’s fall from grace was monumental. The former #2 pick (chosen behind #1 Peyton Manning on almost a coin flip) never made a dent in the NFL, arguably the biggest draft bust in history. Despite having every benefit in life, he produced nothing and ended up a junkie, thief, and convict. Still, is it possible to go lower than killing dogs?
Selection: Michael Vick, backed by Ryan Leaf
Running Back
Candidates: Cedric Benson (4, assault, DUI), Marshawn Lynch (3, DUI, firearms, hit and run), Jamal Lewis (2, DUI, cocaine distribution), Najeh Davenport (2, domestic battery, breaking and entering), Ricky Williams (3, various traffic violations), Michael Pittman (3, assault, domestic violence), OJ Simpson (murder, kidnapping, theft).
There is a rich depth of criminals for our consideration here, but really this category is a no-brainer. You can’t top the Crime of the Century for infamy, comedy, and tragedy, plus the perp is a Hall of Famer and one of the best ever at his position. He successfully leaped luggage for Hertz, had a Hollywood career after football, proved that you can indeed get away with murder, and demonstrated that what happens in Vegas sometimes stays behind bars.
Selection: OJ Simpson.
Honorable Mention: Najeh Davenport, despite a mediocre career, for the ultimate comedy of breaking into his ex-girlfriend’s apartment and pooping in her laundry basket.
Fullback
Candidates: Corey MacIntyre (2, domestic battery, indecent exposure), Vonta Leach (assault), Mike Sellars (2, DUI, drugs).
Not much depth here, so again we need to go for comedy over quality.
Selection: Corey MacIntyre, for fondling himself on a woman’s lawn.
Tight End
Candidates: Aaron Hernandez (1 and counting, murder), Fred Davis (3, traffic violations), Matt Spaeth (public urination), Jerramy Stevens (3, DUI, drugs), Dominique Byrd (assault, DUI), Mark Chmura (sexual assault on a minor).
Well, this isn’t even a fair category. Clearly the winner is Matt Spaeth. Just kidding. Hernandez threatens to unseat OJ from the pinnacle of NFL criminality. Although we’ll never know if his career would have been Hall of Fame caliber, he is a talented player with the loss of a career worth many tens of millions of dollars, and in the end may have murdered even more people than OJ – in the midst of his career rather than after retirement. For now, OJ still retains the edge thanks to the high comedy of his trial, his subsequent “If I Did It” book, his Las Vegas heist and kidnapping adventure, his friendship of Kato Kaelin, and his deadly acting career. But don’t give up, Aaron – you still have a shot.
Selection: Aaron Hernandez, with Mark Chmura for two-TE sets.
Wide Receiver
Candidates: Chad Johnson (2, domestic violence), Titus Young (3 times in one week, breaking and entering, DUI, theft), Kenny Britt (7!!, DUI, fraud, eluding an officer, traffic warrants), Donte Stallworth (DUI manslaughter), Plaxico Burress (3, weapon, endangerment), Santonio Holmes (3, drugs, domestic violence), Chris Henry (6, assault, corrupting minors, weapons, drugs), Cedric Wilson (domestic assault), Reggie Williams (drugs, DUI), Vincent Jackson (multiple DUI), David Terrell (3, traffic, battery), Andre Rison (check kiting, obstructing justice, theft), Michael Irvin (drugs), Rae Carruth (conspiracy to murder a pregnant woman).
Wide Receivers are mostly guilty of massive egos and narcissism, but this characteristic leaks over into a lot of petty offenses and occasionally more serious ones. The result is a large category of losers but not an easy one to filter, with disproportionate amounts of comedy and notoriety. Typically the only thing they murder is their own public image.
It’s tempting to have an all-Steeler WR corps with Plax, Holmes, and Wilson, but the major offense by Plax happened while he was a Giant, and Wake ‘n Bake’s offenses were more pathetic than serious. It’s also tempting to include the scumbag Carruth, but although a first round pick, his career was too short to measure. As such, we’ll go with 3rd rounder Henry to go along with first rounders Burress and Stallworth.
Selection: WR 1 – Plaxico Burress, who paid a disproportionately high price for an offense that really only hurt him, ended up in prison during his prime years, and lost a lot of money. This scores high on the tragi-comedy scale, and Burress is one of the few people on the All-Incarceration Team who deserves our sympathy. Still, his dramatic fall from Super Bowl hero to prison cannot be denied. WR 2 – Donte Stallworth, because a person died for his stupidity. WR 3 – Chris Henry, who paid the ultimate career price.
Offensive Line
Candidates: J’Marcus Webb (drugs), Bryant McKinnie (4, disorderly conduct, indecent conduct, aggravated assault), Jeremy Bridges (2, assault), Khalif Barnes (2, DUI), Leon Searcy (domestic violence), Jarriel King (rape), Jeremy Newberry (punching a woman).
Selection: Bryant McKinnie leads an uninspired group, both for quantity of offenses and his versatility in playing multiple positions. Other slots on the line go to Bridges, Barnes, King, and Newberry at center.
Defense
Linebacker
Candidates: Rolando McClain (3, assault, disorderly conduct, traffic), Elvis Dumerville (2, assault), Mike Vrabel (theft), Sergie Kindle (DUI), Ray Maualuga (2, DUI), Shawne Merriman (choking Tila Tequila, which technically should be considered a service to humanity rather than a crime), James Harrison (breaking down girlfriend’s door), Joey Porter (2, assault), Terrell Suggs (aggravated assault), Steve Foley (4, assault, battery, domestic violence, disturbing the peace, DUI), Ray Lewis (murder), Lawrence Taylor (diddling underage girls).
This is a pretty tough category as there are so many guys not only trained since youth to be cruel and violent, but also suffering who knows what kind of brain trauma. Lawrence Taylor is perhaps the most obvious choice because of his stature and dramatic fall, but his problems came long after retirement when brain damage was no doubt a serious factor. So, I will go with my heart and choose an all-Baltimore LB corps. Generally the Ravens have been a slightly cleaner than average team, but they’ve had a lot of trouble with the LB corps, led by double murderer Ray Lewis.
Selection: Ray Lewis, Rolando McClain, Sergie Kindle, Terrell Suggs. Additional Baltimore LB arrestees include Tony Fein and Cornell Brown.
Defensive Line
Candidates: Albert Haynesworth (3, assault, reckless driving, road rage), Tank Johnson (4, weapons, DUI, assault), megadouche Warren Sapp (domestic battery), Leonardo Carson (4, kidnapping, buglary, weapons, assault), Desmond Bryant (criminal mischief), Ernie Holmes (shooting at a helicopter), Josh Brent (DUI manslaughter in death of teammate Jerry Brown), Alameda Ta’amu (DUI, reckless endangerment).
There are so many more than are listed here, but you have to stop somewhere.
Selection: Albert Haynesworth takes the prize, filling out the line with megadouche Warren Sapp, Tank Johnson, and Leonardo Carson. For nose tackle, we need to go with Josh Brent rather than Alameda Ta’amu, because Josh not only killed someone, he wrecked two careers at the same time.
Cornerbacks
Candidates: Adam “Pacman” Jones (8!!!, assault, drugs, disturbing the peace, felony coercion), Aaron Berry (2, assault, DUI), Chris Cook (domestic assault, DUI), Aquib Talib (2, assault), Deshea Townsend (assault), Deltha O;Neal (DUI), Samari Rolle (assault), Nick Harper (assault), Charles Woodson (2, DUI), Chris McAlister (3, DUI, disturbing the peace, drugs)
Selection: Pacman Jones for quantity over quality, with by Chris McAlister on the opposite side and Aquib Talib in the nickel.
Safety
Candidates: Lawyer Milloy (DUI), Sean Taylor (2, felony assault with a firearm, DUI), Damon Moore (DUI, abandoning a puppy at a soccer field), Damien Robinson (2, weapons, bad checks), Cody Grimm (2, public intoxication), Dwight Smith (4, drugs, indecent conduct, weapons).
Selection: Sean Taylor, Dwight Smith. Honorable mention to Damon Moore for abandoning a puppy.
Other Categories
Kicker
Candidates: Sebastian Janikowski (3, assault, vandalism, DUI, drugs), Jeff Reed (2, public intoxication, resisting arrest, vandalism).
Let’s face it, kickers aren’t usually an exciting bunch, but Janikowski and Reed could be twin brothers given their personal issues.
Selection: Jeff Reed, for the added comedy of attacking a paper towel dispenser, and his blue-blond “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle. Oh, and his photographic self-portrait of his manhood.
Punter
Candidates: Todd Sauerbrun (2, simple assault, DUI).
Selection: Easy since there is only one candidate, Todd Sauerbrun.
Honorable Mention: Mitch Berger, for impersonating a punter. Sorry, Mitch. I actually give you credit for making a nice tackle behind a lousy special teams unit, and not all those bad punts were really your fault.
Coach
Candidates: If being a douchbag was a crime, half of NFL coaches would be behind bars. The only actual arrest I could find was Mike Ditka for DUI, so I need to bend the rules a bit in order to make a better selection.
Selection: Bill Belichick for, well, so many things including cheating, dour personality, cheating, stupid clothes, and cheating. Honorable mention: Sean Payton for BountyGate.
Owner
Candidates: Eddie Debartolo (mobster), Art Modell (slimeball), Robert Craft (megalomaniac), Jimmy Haslam (Flying Jagoff)
Selection: Jimmy Haslam appears to be positioning himself to be the second owner to destroy football in Cleveland, the town we love to hate. Frankly, Cleveland is a great football town and deserves better than what they’ve been dealt. I would not be honest unless I also stated that I find that mostly delightful.
Summary
QB: Mike Vick (starter), Ryan Leaf (backup)
RB: OJ Simpson
FB: Corey MacIntyre
TE: Aaron Hernandez, Mark Chmura
WR: Plaxico Burress, Donte Stallworth, Chris Henry
OL: Bryant McKinnie, Jeremy Bridges, Khalif Barnes, Jarriel King, Jeremy Newberry
LB: Ray Lewis, Rolando McClain, Sergie Kindle, Terrell Suggs
DL: Albert Haynesworth, megadouche Warren Sapp, Tank Johnson, and Leonardo Carson, and NT Josh Brent
CB: Pacman Jones, Chris McAlister, Aquib Talib
S: Sean Taylor, Dwight Smith
K: Jeff Reed
P: Todd Sauerbrun.
Coach: Bill Belichick
Owner: Jimmy Haslam
Feel free to submit your own selections or improvements of this list. I guess “improvements” should be in quotes.
