JFS Shows Cleveland He Thinks They’re #1
Fresh off his epic demolition of the Cleveland Browns in his NFL starting debut, Johnny Manziel was reminded about his famous draft day text message to the Browns. As it was widely reported in the press at the time, Manziel had sent a text to the Browns asking them to draft him. The message said ‘I wish you guys would come get me. Hurry up and draft me because I want to be there. I want to wreck this league together.’ Following the Bengals game, Manziel was asked to clarify what he could have possibly meant given his evident inability to play in the big leagues much less wreck it. Luckily, Manziel was able to provide some real insight.
According to Johnny, he was increasingly astonished that he was falling down the draft board as he was convinced someone would be stupid enough to draft him with the #1 pick, or at least in the top five. After all, he reasoned, the Heisman committee was silly enough to name him the most awesome player in all college ball.
When Manziel slipped by the Browns’ first of two first round picks, he was more than dismayed – initially he was angry. He felt that a team as routinely woeful as the Browns surely couldn’t afford to be so dismissive of Johnny Football. However as the day progressed and team after team bypassed him, Manziel came to realize the deeper truth of the Browns’ strategy. Surely, he realized, no team could blow so many high level picks year after year as the Browns, purely through bad luck or incompetence. He figured that clearly the whole farce was a cleverly concocted way to enrich the leaders of the Browns organization at the expense of loyal, diehard Browns fans who inexplicably pour millions of dollars into the team coffers annually despite a record-shattering lack of results.
“I decided that if I couldn’t be a real NFL quarterback for a real NFL team, then I wanted to be part of this scam being perpetrated in Cleveland,” Johnny explained, “so as we were getting closer to the next Browns selection I texted (Cleveland quarterbacks coach) Dowell Loggains asking him to please draft me so that we could ‘wreck Believeland together’. But somehow the danged autocorrect kicked in and changed it to ‘wreck this league together’. Go figure.” But Johnny remains philosophical. “In the end, it doesn’t matter. I got what I wanted – lots of attention, lots of money, and an endless stream of babes totally lacking in taste and self respect.”
Asked if he thought he should start again next week, Manziel said, “Sure, why not? It’s almost mandated by the Factory of Sadness Franchise Handbook.”
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