Steel Balls

Soccer vs Gridiron

What with all the World Cup hype these days and the dearth of gridiron news, much of the sporting world is expending energy on the periodic debate about which game is rightfully called football. The discussion usually goes something like this:

FIFA Announcer: “And the US have lost another bid to be taken seriously in the world of football…”

Yank: “To hell with it. It’s not real football anyway.”

Brit: “Bloody ‘ell, ‘ow can you lot call what you do football when your feet never touch the bloomin’ ball?” *

Yank: “Shows what you know, limey. We have kickoffs, punts, and field goals all using the foot.”

Kraut: “Ja, but only vun playah on za team can use za foot, und he is un object uff ridicule.”

Yank: “At least we aren’t a bunch of pansies flopping all over the field faking injuries and crying over stubbed toes.”

Frog: “Pfffffft… ah la la la, you Americans make my ass tweetch, hawh hawh.”

Aussie: “Mate, if you want to play a man’s game, you should try Aussie rules. We could eat your boys for breakfast. Crikey.”

Brit: “Blimey, rugby is what real men play when they can’t find a proper futbol, whut?”

(* Apologies to Steeltyke for this crude caricature.)

As it happens, there are a half dozen vastly different sports that are all referred to as football depending on who you ask, including: American rules (gridiron), Canadian rules, Association rules (soccer), Australian rules, Rugby, and International rules.

So what is real football? It turns out that all of these various games, and others besides, derive from a common ancestor game in medieval Europe that involved moving an inflated pig bladder back and forth across a designated contested area. Various means were used to move the object, including not just feet, but also hands and other body parts. The reason it was called football, apparently, had nothing to do with being required to move the ball with the feet as soccer purists might claim, but rather to distinguish it from the horseback sports played by the aristocracy that were beyond the means of mere commoners. Football was always a blue collar endeavor (or, to be more accurate to the time period, perhaps we should say “a shit, urine, and sweat stained tunic endeavor”). The name football also served to distinguish the sport as a contrast to activities involving propulsion of an object with something other than the human body, such as a bat, mallet, bow, gun, sling, racket, or club. In short, to play the game you only needed to be able to move around on your feet and to have the appropriate ball available. No special equipment was required.

The ancestral football sport evolved in different ways in different regions, and independent rules or codes were developed accordingly. The Rugby School (in Rugby, England) developed Rugby  rules in 1845 from which modern variants of football arose or diverged. These rules included various means of propelling the ball including both hands and feet. Cambridge rules (1848) also included both hands and feet as did Australian rules (1859). Sheffield rules (1857) introduced restrictions that are more recognized as modern soccer, while the original Rugby rules evolved in a different branch into gridiron variants of Canadian and American football. Soccer, Canadian football, American football, and modern rugby all emerged from these precursors during the 1860’s to 1870’s and therefore are more or less contemporary, with none able to claim definitive original use of the word football.

Rugby has always involved moving the ball by hand as well as backward or lateral passing of the ball. American rules introduced unique innovations including forward passing, the scrimmage line, and movement via the downs system. Rugby’s game flow was always more free-flowing and semi-chaotic as is soccer today, but the innovations of soccer include most exclusions of hands, the prohibition of tackling, and the addition of a goalkeeper in front of a ground-based goal. It’s easy to see how these two branches evolved in totally different directions from a common rugby ancestor, while modern rugby remained as its own viable branch. Similarly, humans, chimps, and gorillas are all viable modern variants of a primitive common ancestor, while creationists remain an unevolved separate branch retaining original features such as lower intelligence, belief in magic, and knuckle dragging.

So which game is properly called football today? All of them. Football is a generic term and is used to identify the dominant sport in any given region. The proper name for NFL style football is either American Football or Gridiron Football. The proper name for soccer is Association Football. It is provincial arrogance for anyone to claim their favorite sport is “real football” even if that name is used as convenient shorthand in each region.

The name “soccer” comes from the “soc” in Association Football. The schism in English football in the mid 19th century made the use of the term football confusing as both variants were played in the same geographical region. For shorthand, the players for the two variants were referred to as ruggers and soccers, for Rugby rules and Association rules respectively. Therefore the term soccer was originated in England, not in the US, which may come as a surprise to chain smoking European cheese eating surrender monkeys who tend to think of the word as evidence of American ignorance.

Each of these sports require a tremendous amount of skill and stamina, although obviously player attributes are mostly not interchangeable. Ronaldo would be knocked out of his shoes by any decent linebacker, and Zidane would be killed instantly if he tried to head butt an NFL lineman, not to mention Suarez attempting to snack on, say, Jack Lambert. Any player faking an injury in the NFL is an object of universal ridicule (think: Limas Sweed) rather than acclaim as in soccer, and incessant whining is acceptable in the NFL only if your name is Harbaugh. On the other hand, NFL players would be destroyed in trying to play a real soccer match. James Harrison nearly died of coronary infarction from his famed Super Bowl interception runback. Imagine doing that nearly non-stop for 90+ minutes in the sweltering heat of the Brazilian jungle! Soccer may be mostly boring as hell to watch, but it does take some serious skill to manipulate a ball at full speed without your hands and to keep it up with little break.

It’s true that soccer has evolved into an almost unbearable wussie sport of diving and crying, and suffers from an absurd officiating and timekeeping system. But to be fair I can’t say I’m fully ecstatic over where gridiron is evolving under the leadership of Roger Goodell and his team of cheeseless surrender monkey lawyers. Still, gridiron remains vastly superior to soccer in my completely biased view and I don’t think even Roger can do anything to change that assessment.

Postscript: For those unaware of it, we can at least very clearly pinpoint the origin of professional American football. William Heffelfinger issued a $500 contract in 1892 for a gridiron football game between the Allegheny Athletic Association against the Pittsburgh Athletic Club. Thus the first professional American rules football game was played between two Pittsburgh teams. Furthermore, the first professional league (known as the National Football League but unrelated to the current NFL) formed in 1902 as an offseason endeavor of several baseball clubs including the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Pirates team, the Pittsburgh Stars, won the first league championship. (The baseball Pirates were also the National League champions in 1902, with 103 wins and a 27.5 game lead over second place Brooklyn.) Thus a pattern for the future was born.

Meanwhile, an ancestor of Ray Lewis was murdering two people in suburban Baltimore and getting off scott free.

Okay, I made up that thing about Ray Lewis. Probably.

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This wasn’t the greatest era for the Steelers, but  how awesome it was to have these two gentlemen grace the cover of SI squaring off once again. (H/T Steelers Depot)

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Farewell to The Emperor Chaz.

This is hard for we youngsters to remember, but c. 1969 the city of Pittsburgh was down on itself, and self-identified as “The City of Losers”. This should, perhaps, give us pause before we heap abuse on our brethren in Cleveland, a town that surely is the current owner of that moniker. The July 28, 1969 issue of the Pittsburgh Press welcomed Chuck Noll, hired the previous evening fresh off of his Super Bowl loss as defensive coordinator for the Baltimore (yuck) Colts against Western PA native Joe Namath and the upstart Jets.

Check out the caption on the accompanying photo and enjoy the article.

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You may have noticed that I love looking back at old newspapers and swimming in the contemporary zeitgeist. One of the joys of this activity is 20-20 hindsight on Steelers history.

I searched for the January 29, 1969 issue of the Pittsburgh Press because this was the day after Chuck Noll was selected by Dan Rooney to be the head coach of the Steelers, and we all know how that turned out. But interestingly, this newspaper issue also turned out to be the one immediately following the NFL draft. Hard to believe, but in those days the draft was held in January just after the Super Bowl. At the current pace, in a few years the draft may be held a week before the start of the season… but I digress.

The paper reported on fan reaction to the drafting of Joe Greene in the first round. I found some of the comments to be oddly familiar.

One guy was incensed that the Steelers bypassed a chance to select Terry Hanratty and instead opted for a no-name defensive lineman. A bus driver commented, “I never heard of him… They had a chance at Hanratty? They didn’t take  him?” The Steelers did take Hanratty in the second round, and we know how that worked out too. Nothing against Terry, but choosing him in the first round would have been popular with the fans but a disaster for the Steelers, particularly after another Terry was chosen with the first pick a year later.

Another commented, “Actually, the way the Steelers are going, I’m not surprised at the pick. I would have liked to see them line up a secondary.”  No word on if this guy’s name is MWalsh. 🙂

A salesman, perhaps named Malsor, added, “Am I surprised? You better believe it. The sports fans here are so sick at heart that I can’t see this move. Oh well, they didn’t get Paterno either.”

An unnamed stockbroker turned out to be perhaps the wisest of this bunch. “Joe Greene must have been rated pretty good. The scouts from the Steelers haven’t been too good, but I got to go with him. They know more than I do.”

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The Steelers’ first ever game (as the Pirates) involved a shellacking by the New York Giants, and resulted in modest coverage in the following day’s Pittsburgh Press with little more than a photo and caption. The Steelers/Pirates lone score was a safety resulting from a blocked punt.

Even the greatest oak begins as a humble acorn.

Pittsburgh Press, September 21, 1933

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As we have already established, I am somewhat of a Steelers fan…I have been as long as I can remember. My Step Dad liked sports…his job actually encompassed it…but that is a blog I am saving for a rainy day. However, my parents did not like to drive to the games so I rarely got to go. Queens was too far…even though we lived right on the border…and the Bronx? Fuggedaboutit.

My first real Yankee game, one not at Shea, I would drive to myself…in May of 1983…my senior year of high school. With my first Yankee game under my belt, I now needed to see the Steelers in person. A week after that Yankee game, the NFL schedules were due out…and there it was. The game lit up on the page: Steelers @ Jets Saturday December 10, 1983 12:30 pm. Not only did I get the Steelers coming to Shea Stadium, but it also was a Saturday game to boot. The scheduling Gods had answered my prayers.

I was off to college in September of that year. A few have asked why I chose a university in Pennsylvania…as a matter of fact, why ALL the colleges I applied to were in the Keystone State. Obviously those who inquired hardly knew me…PA would televise Steeler games on Sunday…what better way to determine my education and my future! I packed lightly but took a few books, one was my yearbook as I had a hard time letting go…and another was my NFL Bible of Stats…can’t leave home without that! A good friend from High School had scribbled in my yearbook “I hope you find someone who loves football as much as you…or is deaf”. I found the former. My new dormitory neighbor had a bit of a connection…his Dad was a former NFL head coach(pictured above). We became fast friends. As fall headed towards winter, we spent our Sundays studying…oh wait, that wasn’t us! We were planted in front of the TV from noon to 60 Minutes. Others would come and go, catching a quarter or 2, but our only movement involved putting beer in and letting beer out.

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Here are some factoids to make you smile in these sometimes dark days. Which is the best team since the 1970 AFL-NFL merger? (Data as of March 2012)

Most Wins – Steelers 429, Cowboys 413, Dolphins 405

Most Losses – Lions 390, Cardinals 384, Bengals 369

Highest Winning Percentage – Steelers .613, Dolphins .590, Cowboys .589

Most Regular Season Wins – Steelers 396, Dolphins 385, Cowboys 381

Most Playoff Berths – Steelers 26, Cowboys 26, Vikings 24

Most Division Titles – Steelers 20, 49ers 18, Cowboys 18

Most Playoff Wins – Steelers 33, Cowboys 32, 49ers 26

Most Super Bowl Appearances – Steelers 8, Cowboys 8, Patriots 7

Most Super Bowl Wins – Steelers 6, Cowboys 5, 49ers 4, Giants 4

Ratio of 5 or fewer losses vs 5 or fewer wins: Steelers 9.5, Dolphins 9, Vikings 4.67

Most All-Pros: 49ers 72, Steelers 69, Vikings 66

Most Winning Seasons: Steelers 31, Cowboys 30, Dolphins 29

Fewest Coaching Changes: Texans 1 (10 years), Steelers 2 (42 years), Ravens 2 (16 years) – next best for full 42 years is Cowboys with 7

Most Coaching Changes: Browns 15, Colts 15, Jets 15

Playoff wins in AFC Central: Steelers 33, others 27 (31 after last season)

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Ryan Leaf, First Round Prison Pick

If there’s a rock and roll heaven, well you know they’ve got a hell of a band.  And if there is an NFL prison, you know they’ve got one hell of a team.

Here is one attempt at compiling an all-time criminal NFL team. Note that this is not an “all-thug” team, because what constitutes thuggery is strictly a matter of opinion. By some definitions, one can be a successful thug while staying within the confines of the law. In order for a player to qualify for this list, he must have been arrested at least once. Conviction is helpful, but not strictly required. Of course it’s possible for a player to be wrongfully arrested, or for the arrest to be clearly out of character. If so, the player likely won’t make our list.

All players who have been arrested are considered for selection on our All-Incarceration team, and where there are multiple candidates we give weight to players of higher quality rather than higher criminality. All other things being equal we will choose a murderer over a junkie. But if the junkie is a Hall of Fame caliber player while the murderer was an undrafted rookie who lacked the talent to ever start a game, the nod would go to the junkie.

The real measurement we’re after here is the magnitude of wasted opportunity, and loss of career or reputation. Where there is not a clear winner by this measurement, we’ll give bonus points to repeat offenders, and for cases of special notoriety or comedic attributes.

First we’ll look at candidates for each position, evaluate the merits of their cases, and then make selections. Number of arrests, and major infractions, are shown in parentheses.

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